I Am...

Today, I am tired. 

Tired of being tired. 

Tired of pretending everything will be okay. 

Tired of trying to convince people that this system is not set up for Black people. 

Tired of reading headline after headline about Black folks dying at the hands and laws of White people. 

Tired of waking up angry or sad. 

Tired of wondering if my emotions are valid. 

Tired of hiding my emotions because I have to go to work and wouldn’t dare think of burdening the white folks at my job with my emotions. 

Tired of thinking of them before me. I am tired.

Today, I am sad. 

Sad because I don’t believe things will get better. 

Sad because I have began losing hope when hope is all I have. 

Sad because I am just waiting on another Black body to show up on the news while the headline blames the Black body for it’s death. 

Sad because my people have no time to be sad because we are trying to save ourselves. 

Sad because some of my people have no idea or don’t believe that there is a war going on against our bodies. 

Sad because when I think of my future the thought of having a Black child makes me terrified. 

Sad because I was told at 4 years old that my life would be hard because of my skin color. 

Sad because I was told my education would save me. 

Sad because I now know that even with my education I am simply another Black woman who needs to be watched anytime I walk into a store.  

Sad because I work hard every day to fit into a white society so I can be “successful”. 

Sad because that emotion allows me to control my anger. I am sad.

Today, I am mad. 

Mad because people believe that an inconvenience in their daily commute is more important than our lives. 

Mad because non-indictment after non-indictment after non-indictment didn’t even surprise me. 

Mad because I am just waiting on another Black body to show up on the news while the headline blames the Black body for it’s death. 

Mad because everyday people tell me they care about Black people but aren’t doing anything about it. 

Mad because I have changed the way I talk, walk, and act so White people can be comfortable. 

Mad because I know that just my mere presence makes some White people uncomfortable. 

Mad because I work in a system that was set up to keep my people out. 

Mad because everyday I ask Black students to assimilate because I think it’ll help them in the long run. 

Mad because I tell Black students not to do something because it is inappropriate. 

Mad because I know when I say inappropriate I mean it makes White people uncomfortable. 

Mad because my entire life is in relation to White people while they don’t have to think about Black people until we are in the way. 

Mad because I just can’t cry anymore. I am mad.

Today I am tired, sad, and mad.

Today I will get up, go to work, and say I am fine.

What Defines My Year...

I have successfully finished my first year of graduate school! I am halfway to my Masters of Education in Student Development Administration!! Writing that feels weird, so just imagine how I feel when I say it. I have accomplished something I couldn't have ever imagined, but no accomplishment comes without a long road and a few bumps.

I set out the school year with a plan to blog throughout and to reflect on things as they came, but as this year continued to hit me with bump after bump that became too hard. This has easily been one of the hardest years of my life; maybe even the hardest year of my life. Actually it hasn't even been a year, today marks my 10 month anniversary of moving to Seattle. I set out on this journey in Seattle on August 10, 2013 and thought I was ready for whatever I would experience. Oh how wrong I was. From being called the N-word to feeling completely alone in Seattle to being sexually assaulted to my grandma passing away to my friend trying to commit suicide, this year has hit me with an amount of pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Let's be clear, I am not sharing my experiences with you so you can sympathize or even empathize with me but as a means to continue in my healing. To say these things to someone is one thing, but to write them on the internet makes these experiences even more real as they are now permanent. 

When I see it all in a list like that it's hard to believe I am still standing. The truth is there were so many amazing experiences and people who helped me over each one of these hurdles. These bumps do not define me or the time I've had here so far. It's the HRL staff that took me in as family and ensured I would get through it all that has defined my year. It's the staff meetings every week where my RAs kept me constantly laughing and proud to work with them that define my year. It's the insatiable amount of love and support I received from my current RD, Christina, that defines my year. It's the cohort of 24 amazing individuals who challenged and supported me that defined this year. It's the visit from two of my best friends that define my year. It's the 300 student leaders that benefited from a 3 day off campus training that I poured my heart into that defines my year. It's the straight A's I've earned each quarter that define my year. It's the fact that I, an African American girl who was told in the 9th grade that Black kids don't go to college, am here pursuing a Masters degree that defines my year. It's the fact that my mom, who worked 2 jobs to support us while I was growing up, gets to tell me each week that she's proud of the woman I'm becoming. It's these great experiences that define the amazing 1st year I have had.

Now don't get me wrong, I am still healing from the pain but  I WILL NOT let it define me or the experience I've had here. This year has been a roller coaster ride, but it has changed me in the most positive way. My first year of graduate school was good, bad, ugly, and beautiful but worth it. I get to look back at this year and say "Damn, that was the hardest time ever but I made it." This is what defines this year for me. This was the year of resilience, thanks to a dear friend for teaching me this, as I continued to plow through all the hard times. I have come out of this year a better professional and a stronger person. Thank you to those who helped me through it all. Time to get ready for my next adventure which hopefully will teach me just as much as this year.

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them." 

- Dr. Maya Angelou

1 quarter down, 5 to go!

My first visitors! Washington, Oregon & Canada all in 5 days!

In true Jesuit spirit, I have used the last couple of days to reflect on my experience during my first quarter of grad school. I first want to point out that my last post was three days before the quarter started. Clearly I have had a very busy quarter.

This quarter has been a whirlwind of emotions, activities, and experiences. I am still in awe that I have been living in Seattle for the last four months. Who would have ever thought I would move 2 states away from everyone I know and love? When I began the quarter I thought this move would be simple and everything would be amazing, but I was wrong. I had a hard time coping with being away from family and the home I've created for myself. I thought I was just experiencing a case of homesickness, but it was much more about what I was holding on to. I wasn't ready to let go of experiences and memories I had which was stopping me from enjoying my experiences in Seattle. It wasn't until my friend, Lexi, asked me "What do you need from these people at home and can you find that in people in Seattle?" that I realized I need to let myself give into the relationships I've formed in Seattle. Those two questions were advantageous for me and have helped me enjoy my time here so much more.

Trip home for Thanksgiving: Got to see Bre!

Aside from my overall experience, I am most reflective on my experience as an ARD thus far. I continue to learn more and more about the professional I want to be as I interact with  my RAs and the amazing Senior Team members. I've learned what I do not want in future jobs and what things I must have. I never thought there were things that I would not love about my work so much so that I do not want them in my day to day. I've learned to dig deeper with students and with myself to find out underlying affects. I've learned to tailor my interactions with students to best fit them and what they need from me. I hope I have done some great work and affected just one student in a positive way this fall. Throughout the quarter there has been many mistakes made, but I know that grad school is the time for these mistakes. I hope to see how I can change these things in the coming quarters. I will continue to learn and grow while leaning on my mentors for guidance and support. I could not  have do any of this without those who have shaped how I do this work: Danielle, Amber, Kristen, Travis, Chaz, Dr. Smith, Veronica, my USF RA family, and of course my mom. I continue to hold the lessons learned from you all near and see them playing out in much of the work I do. Thank you!

SUSDA Holiday Party

On the academic side of things, I am doing just fine. For those who know me well, you know I never seem like I'm doing any work for school. I continue to wake up early to do homework and set deadlines so that I am always ahead in class. Even with those deadlines, I pulled more all-nighters this quarter than I did in my entire 4 years of undergrad! Not happening next quarter! Sleep will be a priority. This quarter academically has made me a better writer and I even read for class each week! With Law next quarter, we'll see if I continue reading so hard considering all the tips and tricks I know for reading cases. Basically school is school and I will keep doing things the way I always have until it doesn't work anymore.

Only some of the great people in my year!

My first quarter is over and I am in awe. Me: a girl raised in a single parent home where my mom worked two jobs and could barely pay for undergrad, has made it to graduate school and completed her first quarter. There are 5 more quarters to go before I can make my mother proud again as she watches me walk across the stage for the 3rd time! I am proud of myself for making it this far despite all of the people who told me that  there was no way I would be doing this. As someone who loves to plan out her life, I am now debating whether I will get an Ed.D or go to law school. But I'll go into that in a blog over break as I dive further into that discernment process. For now, I'm one-sixth of the way done and can't wait to see what the rest of my time will be like!

All Work and No Play

Can't believe I haven't posted anything in 2 weeks. Guess that's what RA training and 2 move in days will do to me. So glad to have finally made it through all the craziness!

Campion Staff!

Being on the other side of RA training has really made me appreciate everyone who ever put on a training for me. I can remember how much I complained about how long training was and how I didn't want to be there. Being at this RA training, I have come to appreciate my own RA training. For one, we started training at 8:30am at the latest for breakfast and often ended around 9pm. Even though there were many breaks throughout the days, all my complaining about a 9-5 training seemed unnecessary now. Being someone who helps with training has taught me a lot about the importance of different aspects of training. RA training was quite the experience for me and I really appreciate my RAs working so hard and getting through it. At one point I was very nervous about getting to know the 21 RAs on my staff, but after the last two and a half weeks together I believe I've been doing a great job.

Our retreat was the perfect time for me to form great relationships with my RAs. Like many retreats, we had many opportunities to share with one another about aspects of our lives. I was able to learn about and learn from my RAs. We had time to talk about their personal lives and I shared things about my undergrad experience with them. We also had many chances to just spend time together doing whatever we wanted. 

After two and a half weeks of training and a mini move in day, our big day had arrived! I was super nervous for move in day and if I had planned everything right. I worked very hard on a schedule for the RAs and where they would work for the day. Organizing my 21 RAs, 42 volunteers, and 3 different sports teams was very scary and I was worried that something would go wrong all day, but everything went smoothly. We moved in about 400 residents and had very minimal issues. It was a successful day!! 

Lobby decorations

Lobby decorations

Me and 2 RAs on move in day!

Now that I have made it through my training, RA training, and move in day I am ready to begin the work of the year. My first week is very full with departmental meetings and 7 one-on-one meetings with RAs. Not to mention school starts on Wednesday! It's about time I go back to school considering I have been off since May, over 4 months!! I am excited to have homework and reading, but I know I won't feel that way by next week. It's time to get to work both in and out of the classroom!!

Things Just Got Real

The last week was full of new experiences! I've met a lot of new people and gone to some new places. It has been fun and tiring at the same time. My life in Seattle has really kicked into gear!

Skyline

Last Sunday, I was able to go to church which is very exciting and important to me. I was glad to have found a church to go to so quickly after moving here. I had an amazing time there and look forward to going back. Tuesday was my prep day for the RA training. I had to finish some things so I could be completely ready when my RAs arrived on Thursday.

RA gifts

Notebook, pen, and popcorn,

In the midst of getting ready for RA training I had to give up 3 days to go to graduate assistantship orientation. At GA orientation, I was finally able to meet other first year students in my program. On the first day, Wednesday, we did some team building in the morning. Can't be in student affairs without starting the day off with team building. We then got a chance to go a lunch for the entire Student Development Division. It was a nice chance to meet many people and see which departments I may be interested in for the future.
Thursday was the first day of RA training and the second day of GA orientation so things got a little busy. I had to spread my time between the two. I had to be at two different sections of RA training to introduce myself to the RAs. GA orientation focused on multicultural competence that day. Basically we did some deep sharing and talked about our identities.
After a long day of deep sharing and talking about my identity, all I wanted to do was sleep but that wasn't possible. I had my first staff time (in hall) from 7 to 9 that evening so there was no time to sleep. All this time I had been thinking about what it would be like to have a staff with 21 RAs, and many of my thoughts were on track. 21 RAs is a lot of energy in one room and makes conversations very long. It also means lots of people to get to know and try to blend together into one staff identity. Thursday was very eye opening in what I need to do to be sure all 21 people are heard and feel comfortable.
Friday was the last day of GA orientation which encompassed learning about Jesuit education and how our jobs work. The first part of the day were things I've learned during my four years at USF, but the second half of the day was very informative and helpful. Again I was able to spend lots of time with other first years which helped me form some beginning relationships. I'm glad to have spent 3 days with people who will be in my classes and who I will depend on during these next two years. I ended the day with staff time with my Campion staff. We learned a little more about each other and just spent some good time together. It was a great ending to my week.

I love this bow!

This past week gave me a glimpse into what the future will be like. I will likely spend my days with a mixture of people from cohort and some of my RAs. I am learning about what it takes to interact with my RAs in a way that lets me supervise them and learn about them. I am also ready to try and build relationships with people in my cohort. As an extrovert, I like to surround myself with a strong community of people and at this time I haven't found that community. So far my journey here has led me to really think about myself and the type of person I am. Everyday I seem to discover something new about myself or think of ways to improve something. For now I am looking forward to getting to know my staff, school starting, and a visit from my friends.

Unexpected Attack...

Please note that I do write out the entire "n-word" in this entry so if you don't want to see it, do not read any further.

On my 19th day in Seattle I have experienced something I never even thought would happen to me. Although I know racism exists, it has never crossed my mind that someone would call me "the n-word" to my face. I needed to buy gifts for my RAs and decided I would walk to Safeway for the first time. As I followed my GPS to Safeway, it took me down this street where I noticed the houses were big and well kept. Also the cars that were parked outside were nice cars. I walked down the street looking around at the houses and then I heard someone say, "Why's she on our street?" I quickly turned my head forward and noticed two males and a female who appeared to be white. I continued walking towards them as they were walking towards me. As they got closer the female said, "Hey nigger you shouldn't be on this street". One of the males quickly followed with, "Yeah nigger you need to know your place and this ain't it". I continued walking and someone called out, "We better not ever catch you on our street again". Although I have heard such language before, I don't think anyone is ever prepared when it is said to them.

I'd never thought about being called this before and I didn't think my emotions would be so high in hearing someone say it to me. I would have thought after years of studying race relations that hearing it wouldn't faze me. Well that was not the case. As I turned off of the street, tears began to fill my eyes. I was filled with emotions of sadness, anger, disgust, and disbelief. I've grown up in so many neighborhoods where the majority isn't people of color and still never experienced this. I believe these emotions are heightened by me adjusting to this place and being disrespected and devalued so quickly. I am in a complete state of confusion in this place where I am left to process this and try to continue to live here.I will never go to Safeway again or even go near that neighborhood. I do not believe in purposefully putting myself in negative situations so it will be avoided. I even took a different route home to avoid walking down that street again. Less than a month here and I am now in a state of wonder about everywhere I go. This has made me wonder if I have been walking a privileged life by not experiencing such racism earlier. If this had happened to me years ago, I wonder if I would have been so fazed by it today. My emotions are high and my feelings for the neighborhood in which I now work and live have been forever changed.

I only wish I was home with family, friends, and in a place where walking to the grocery store I'd never experience something like this.

Please excuse the lack of flow and cohesive thoughts in this blog, but these are my raw emotions and reactions to the situation.

When In Doubt, Friends Will Help You Out

In the last week my emotions have been on a roller-coaster ride. I've went from the excitement of my first week to super homesick to content to excited for the year to get going. Who knew that in the span of 7 days one could feel so many things? Although I've been very excited about Seattle and my new life here, I began to feel homesick and extremely sad. I cried a lot over the last week because I missed my friends and family. I even debated if I really wanted to stay here. My friends, Keala and Victoria, tried to talk me out of it and convince me that I'd be okay here after a couple of weeks but I wasn't listening. It took a phone call from my best friend, Kemar, telling me that being in Seattle was best for me and to try to be happy here. Even though his advice is always short, he gets through to me. After the conversation, I started to embrace my time here in Seattle.

L to R: Kemar, Victoria, ME, Keala

To feel more comfortable here, I decided I'd cook myself dinner. Although cooking is not my favorite thing to do, I was having fun in the kitchen cooking for myself. I cooked dinner two nights in a row and it made me feel much better. Again it's not my favorite thing to do, so two nights was more than enough cooking for me. The week got even better on Thursday when myself and the other grad assistants in housing got together to have a progressive dinner. We went around to each other's apartments and had food. It was just what I needed during a week where I was so sad. We had an amazing time and were able to get to know each other a lot more.

Friday was the best day of the week for me! I went out to get my nails done which always relaxes me!! I also went to a restaurant called Island Soul where I had curry goat for the first time. I didn't expect to like it but the food was amazing and I will be going back very soon. The best part of my day was coming home to see there was a TV in my living room!! I'd been waiting for my tv all week and was excited to spend my entire weekend on the couch watching it. That is precisely what I did most of the weekend!

Island Soul with Jackie

The week started off rocky, but with the help of friends both old and new I was able to get out of my funk. Now I'm back into the work week and working hard to prepare for the RAs to return. Soon  I'll be busy doing the things I love and making connections with students. I believe now really begins my road to becoming a student affairs professional. I hope you'll come along for the crazy ride!